Thursday, October 28, 2010

Day 128: Seasons & Perspectives

Here in the DMV (District, Maryland and Virginia) area, we experience all four seasons - Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall.  Each season has its own colors associated with it, it's own temperature and it's own characteristics.  The seasons are clearly defined when we have gotten to the middle of them, but at the beginning and end it seems like they sort of interchange.  Like right now, the season is fall, but the temperature outside feels like summer although it is clearly fall.  I mention seasons because we experience them not only with the elements outside, but we experience them as it relates to our personal lives.  

If I had to choose the season that I find myself in right now, I'd have to say that I'm in the latter part of Fall and transitioning into Winter.  Time changes in fall, days become shorter but nights seem to be endless and the temperature changes from warm and comfortable to cold and intolerable.  Fall is also the time that things begin their transition of death - the leaves change a multitude of colors which is very beautiful but in the end leaves them falling from trees; flowers and grass begin the process of shriveling up into a pile of nothingness.  Then with winter everything dies - germs, plants, etc. as a result of the cold temperatures.  But even though things are sort of dark in the winter, the great news is that it never stays winter forever!  

Over the past 24 hours, I have cried more than I have in a very long time because everything seems to be going pretty awful right now in my life.  Work is bad, school is bad, working out has been bad and there has been no existence of a social life in my life. Honestly, as of 9pm last night, I was going to give up on everything because things just seemed hopeless and out of control.  I wanted to withdraw from school, I told one of my friends that I was quitting working out, I decided that I wasn't going to do the marathon and I was going to pack up my car and just leave.  Hey, who would miss me anyway is the question that I asked myself.  

There are plenty of people who are in more worse/dire situations than than I am, but my feelings are real and valid and I had to come to terms with what I was feeling.  I guess not only come to terms, but examine my perspective on things.  This journey has been very hard (I don't feel comfortable in saying long yet because it hasn't been long enough to deem it long) and it's required me to do a very intense introspective look at "Rochelle" and examine the why behind things that I do.  After a very long drive today with the windows down, music blasting and favorite shirt on I realized something - at the core of who I am, I AM OK.  I make mistakes and plenty of them, and it's ok.  I forget a LOT of things, and it's ok.  I don't think like most people, and it's ok.  It is a HUGE struggle for me to focus and stay on task with this mind of mine and it is ok.  Now God is not finished with me by any stretch of the imagination, but being different doesn't mean I'm bad or wrong.  I have to stop beating myself up on the inside because I don't fit the mold of what's considerd "Normal".  God knew exactly what he was doing when He created me and I trust and believe that it's all working for my good because I love Him and He refuses to stop loving and caring about me (and you too!).

I'm not quitting this journey.  I've invested to much into it and other people have invested to much into it for me to just throw that away.  Every encouraging word or time invested to working out with me or piece of wisdom shared has been appreciated.  With my renewed perspective, tomorrow I'll wake up to get ready for work, eat my oatmeal, pack my bag for the gym and be on my way knowing:
1.  I'm OK
2.  With the ups and downs of this journey, I'm really not in it alone
3.  Quitting is not an option (even when I want it to be)

Friday, October 15, 2010

Day 115: SOME

My first official 5k is less than 6 weeks away and I'm feeling not to confident that I will be ready to run/jog the entire thing.  I'll be participating in the SOME (So Others May Eat) 5k (3.1 miles) on Thursday, November 25, 2010 (Thanksgiving Morning), but  I'm still stuck at 2 miles.  I guess it's a hump that everyone encounters, but it's sort of frustrating that I'm not past this point and I guess the biggest part is I don't know how to get past this point - if that makes any sense.  I workout, I watch what I eat (for the most part - lol), I drink a gallon of water a day and I've made up my mind.........but seriously am I going to be able to run a marathon if I can't run 3 miles yet?  Am I setting myself up with unrealistic expectations too soon?  IDK, that' just something that I've been thinking about today.  Then, people who haven't been working as hard as I have can run faster and longer!!!  Granted, comparing myself to someone else produces no fruit whatsoever, but I still find myself doing it.  Hummmmm, ok time for homework.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Day 113: Is this normal?

Wednesday's are usually my "Go Hard or Go Home" days because I have the time to do it, but today.... Although I worked out, it didn't have the same intensity.  I went to the gym and ran on the treadmill and pushed myself but it still wasn't the same.  I'm transforming into an Athlete, but how I feel now compared to two months ago is different.  This just feels a lot different.  I have to push even more/harder to accomplish a simple workout task.  I wonder if this is normal.....hummmmm, is this normal folks?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Day 112 (cont.): That's Right!

Today was one the money.  I woke up and went to Track Date.  The weird thing is that I feel like I can run faster, but at shorter distances.  I ate a great breakfast while doing homework and then ended up working a little over 12 hours today getting just about everything done.  That was freaking awesome because I had a boat load of work today.  I'm sitting here trying to do homework, but I'm too sleepy, so since I'm off tomorrow, I'm going to go to bed now and then completely focus tomorrow.  I think I need some prayer to get through this term and to get to a place where I'm running faster for longer distances.

Great day Rochelle, Great Day!  I'm proud that I focused as much as I did especially since the ADD doesn't always go hand in hand with focusing.

Day 112: The Journey

It has been 12 days since my last post, which seems like such a LONG time.  Today, Tuesday, October 12, 2010 is week 17 and day 112 of this journey.  I can honestly say that over the past 3 weeks my momentum for running/healthy eating/physical activity has severely diminished.  There are a number of reasons that that has happened.  The reasons aren't that important, but having a "restart" is.  Last night I had a dream that I was running faster and stronger.  Like I was a runner!  Even though it still only seems like a dream, dreams become reality one step at a time.

It's 1:51am.

I'm re-starting the routine first thing in the morning.  So, "Track Date" at 6am, breakfast at 7:45am, homework at 8:15am, work at 11am and then because it's Tuesday there's Bible Study and the gym after.  After the gym there's schoolwork and bed by 2am.  So the extra long days with very little sleep are starting again.  I was able to do it just 3 weeks ago, so I know that I can do it now.  I feel like I sort of failed because my momentum didn't stay at level 10.  But after thinking a little more about it........I haven't quit, so I'm not a failure.  I have approximately 5 and a half weeks to increase my milage and speed.  By the end of this month I will be jogging 4 miles (totally not an option).  By the race day, I will be running a 13 minute mile (I feel it in my bones cause I'm an athlete!).

With any journey there are highs and lows, joys and pains, clear direction and confusion.  With support and encouragement anything is possible, ya just can't give up on the end goal and the end goal for me is jogging 26.2 miles next year.