Day 128: Seasons & Perspectives

Here in the DMV (District, Maryland and Virginia) area, we experience all four seasons - Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall.  Each season has its own colors associated with it, it's own temperature and it's own characteristics.  The seasons are clearly defined when we have gotten to the middle of them, but at the beginning and end it seems like they sort of interchange.  Like right now, the season is fall, but the temperature outside feels like summer although it is clearly fall.  I mention seasons because we experience them not only with the elements outside, but we experience them as it relates to our personal lives.  

If I had to choose the season that I find myself in right now, I'd have to say that I'm in the latter part of Fall and transitioning into Winter.  Time changes in fall, days become shorter but nights seem to be endless and the temperature changes from warm and comfortable to cold and intolerable.  Fall is also the time that things begin their transition of death - the leaves change a multitude of colors which is very beautiful but in the end leaves them falling from trees; flowers and grass begin the process of shriveling up into a pile of nothingness.  Then with winter everything dies - germs, plants, etc. as a result of the cold temperatures.  But even though things are sort of dark in the winter, the great news is that it never stays winter forever!  

Over the past 24 hours, I have cried more than I have in a very long time because everything seems to be going pretty awful right now in my life.  Work is bad, school is bad, working out has been bad and there has been no existence of a social life in my life. Honestly, as of 9pm last night, I was going to give up on everything because things just seemed hopeless and out of control.  I wanted to withdraw from school, I told one of my friends that I was quitting working out, I decided that I wasn't going to do the marathon and I was going to pack up my car and just leave.  Hey, who would miss me anyway is the question that I asked myself.  

There are plenty of people who are in more worse/dire situations than than I am, but my feelings are real and valid and I had to come to terms with what I was feeling.  I guess not only come to terms, but examine my perspective on things.  This journey has been very hard (I don't feel comfortable in saying long yet because it hasn't been long enough to deem it long) and it's required me to do a very intense introspective look at "Rochelle" and examine the why behind things that I do.  After a very long drive today with the windows down, music blasting and favorite shirt on I realized something - at the core of who I am, I AM OK.  I make mistakes and plenty of them, and it's ok.  I forget a LOT of things, and it's ok.  I don't think like most people, and it's ok.  It is a HUGE struggle for me to focus and stay on task with this mind of mine and it is ok.  Now God is not finished with me by any stretch of the imagination, but being different doesn't mean I'm bad or wrong.  I have to stop beating myself up on the inside because I don't fit the mold of what's considerd "Normal".  God knew exactly what he was doing when He created me and I trust and believe that it's all working for my good because I love Him and He refuses to stop loving and caring about me (and you too!).

I'm not quitting this journey.  I've invested to much into it and other people have invested to much into it for me to just throw that away.  Every encouraging word or time invested to working out with me or piece of wisdom shared has been appreciated.  With my renewed perspective, tomorrow I'll wake up to get ready for work, eat my oatmeal, pack my bag for the gym and be on my way knowing:

1.  I'm OK

2.  With the ups and downs of this journey, I'm really not in it alone

3.  Quitting is not an option (even when I want it to be)